Premise
In a world where teenagers for some reason have absolutely zero parental supervision, a boy and girl from different sides of the tracks meet and fall in love. She: A wealthy classically trained ballerina trying to break free from her authoritarian dance instructor. He: A poor street racing hoodlum who has entered the dangerous world of underground Mixed Martial Arts. Do these two star-crossed lovers have what it takes to win the dance off, the big race, and the cage fight, without losing their love for one another?
Setup
One dark and stormy night, Brittany McRicherton is driving home from ballet practice and crosses over the railroad tracks into the seedy part of town. There, she spots a group of poor but attractive teenagers huddled around a group. She gets out of her minivan thinking it's a dance off, but finds out its actually a homoerotic street fight, with two shirtless, hairless ripped teenagers. One of them is a cute boy named Thuggo Rodriguez.
Brittany, in her excitement, starts dancing, and then some urban (i.e., black or Puerto Rican) girl challenges her to a dance off. Brittany loses, because no one appreciates her ballet shit. Except Thuggo, who's never before seen a woman without a stabbing wound.
Thuggo gets beat, but he catches Brittany's attention, and the two get into Thuggo's car and they drive away to compete in an illegal street race.
Action
The action is basically the following sequences, alternated three times each:
- Dance off
- Unprotected sex
- Cage fight
- The poor/rich family not accepting Brittany/Thuggo because they can't see past her wealthy exterior/his tendency to steal things from their house.
- Illegal street race
- Unprotected sex
Thrilling Conclusion
Right before the final dance off with the urban girl, the one where Brittany can redeem herself once and for all and get all the street credibility her heart desires, she realizes that she's missed her period. A pregnancy test confirms it: She's knocked up.
Thuggo says he'll be there for her and his child, but he changes his mind and skips town. Britney goes out to dance anyway, but first trimester nausea gets the better of her, and she throws up all over the urban girl's hair.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Cave Pig
Premise
In a world where men live in caves, and dinosaurs roam the Earth, one brave pet piglet must overcome his small stature and his fear of spiders to save his master and the female pig he loves.
This is a live-action kids movie. Imagine the different profit streams. Cave Pig action figures, lunchboxes, maybe a Saturday morning cartoon.
Setup
The prehistoric world is a cruel, dark place. The men are dirty, the women are dirtier, and there are fucking dinosaurs! Oh, and speaking of women, did I mention they don't shave their pits? Ewwww, disgusting!!!
But amidst all the grittiness, there's one bright spot: a little pink piglet named Piggerton who lives with a family of gruff but lovable cave people who sit around the campfire and fart a lot.
The dad - played by John Goodman - is a hunter. And whenever he goes out on a hunt, he always brings along Piggerton, much to the dismay of his wife - played by John Goodman in a fat suit.
"That pig'll just slow you down!" she screams, but the old man pretends not to hear her.
One day, while the dad and Piggerton are several miles from home, a caveman from a neighboring tribe - played by John Goodman in a wig - sneaks up from behind and hits him in the head. Then he drags the unconscious body to his own camp and imprisons him. (Not sure why exactly, but we need something to get the plot going.)
Piggerton runs and hides in the bushes, and then follows the men through the forest.
Action
Outside the new tribe's camp, Piggerton goes through a series of misadventures trying to bust the old man out. He has to sneak around a lot and get into little pig misadventures, like walking through the mud. And get this. Piggerton hates mud. He's actually a neat freak.
Piggerton spies on the tribe and sees that it also has a pet piglet, a beautiful little thing named Pigtonia (played by Piggerton in a wig). He thinks that maybe he can sneak in and charm her and have her help him bust out his master.
Thrilling Conclusion
There's a scene where Piggerton is cornered by a giant-ass prehistoric spider. And he has to make his darkest decision: Does he back away and run home to safety? Or does he overcome his fear to rescue his friend?
He decides upon the latter, and then the spider bites him and he dies alone in the woods. Fade to black on Piggerton's eyes closing, end scene, roll credits. We don't even know what happened to the guy being held captive, but we can assume he's probably eaten or something.
Sure, kids will be crying now, but they'll feel better once we release Cave Pig 2: Son of Piggerton. Then they'll be laughing. And so will we - all the way to the bank.
Oh, wait...if Piggerton has a son, that probably means we need to throw in a graphic sex scene with Pigtonia.
In a world where men live in caves, and dinosaurs roam the Earth, one brave pet piglet must overcome his small stature and his fear of spiders to save his master and the female pig he loves.
This is a live-action kids movie. Imagine the different profit streams. Cave Pig action figures, lunchboxes, maybe a Saturday morning cartoon.
Setup
The prehistoric world is a cruel, dark place. The men are dirty, the women are dirtier, and there are fucking dinosaurs! Oh, and speaking of women, did I mention they don't shave their pits? Ewwww, disgusting!!!
But amidst all the grittiness, there's one bright spot: a little pink piglet named Piggerton who lives with a family of gruff but lovable cave people who sit around the campfire and fart a lot.
The dad - played by John Goodman - is a hunter. And whenever he goes out on a hunt, he always brings along Piggerton, much to the dismay of his wife - played by John Goodman in a fat suit.
"That pig'll just slow you down!" she screams, but the old man pretends not to hear her.
One day, while the dad and Piggerton are several miles from home, a caveman from a neighboring tribe - played by John Goodman in a wig - sneaks up from behind and hits him in the head. Then he drags the unconscious body to his own camp and imprisons him. (Not sure why exactly, but we need something to get the plot going.)
Piggerton runs and hides in the bushes, and then follows the men through the forest.
Action
Outside the new tribe's camp, Piggerton goes through a series of misadventures trying to bust the old man out. He has to sneak around a lot and get into little pig misadventures, like walking through the mud. And get this. Piggerton hates mud. He's actually a neat freak.
Piggerton spies on the tribe and sees that it also has a pet piglet, a beautiful little thing named Pigtonia (played by Piggerton in a wig). He thinks that maybe he can sneak in and charm her and have her help him bust out his master.
Thrilling Conclusion
There's a scene where Piggerton is cornered by a giant-ass prehistoric spider. And he has to make his darkest decision: Does he back away and run home to safety? Or does he overcome his fear to rescue his friend?
He decides upon the latter, and then the spider bites him and he dies alone in the woods. Fade to black on Piggerton's eyes closing, end scene, roll credits. We don't even know what happened to the guy being held captive, but we can assume he's probably eaten or something.
Sure, kids will be crying now, but they'll feel better once we release Cave Pig 2: Son of Piggerton. Then they'll be laughing. And so will we - all the way to the bank.
Oh, wait...if Piggerton has a son, that probably means we need to throw in a graphic sex scene with Pigtonia.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
The Devil Wears Hanes
Premise
Okay, you know how The Devil Wears Prada was a big hit among women 18-35, but totally tanked among men of the same age bracket? Well, we can totally counter that by making The Devil Wears Hanes.
The difference is, instead of being set in the glamorous world of high-end fashion, The Devil Wears Hanes is set in the glamorous world of high school physical education.
This movie has it all. Humor. Action. Drama. And fucking ridiculous product placement potential. The spec script was originally called The Devil Wears Tighty Whities, but a) no product tie-ins, and b) it was actually written for the soft-core gay porn market. Devil Cruz was actually signed up to do the movie, but we went with a rewrite anyway.
Setup
Stan Sizeless, a recent college grad, gets a job teaching PE at the local high school. But when he shows up and meets Levi MacGruder, a take-no-prisoners PE coach wearing ridiculously short shorts and Hanes T-shirts, he realizes that life as a first-year PE teacher is pure hell.
Action
When Stan shows up, Levi immediately assigns him to the worst jobs: Ball cleanup, mat disinfecting and vomit patrol. There's also a hilarious scene where a fat kid manages to climb to the top of a rope but can't get down, and when Stan goes over to help him, the fat kid falls and Stan's head gets wedged up his ass. That sounds unrealistic on paper, but with a little CGI, it'll be awesome.
But Stan wants more. He didn't get into PE to do the grunt work. He got into it to yell at unathletic kids. Stan decides to start doing things his way, and Levi doesn't like it, but tough shit.
"I thought I told you to clean my balls," Levi yells.
"Mr. MacGruder," Stan says. "You can clean your own goddamn balls." Then Stan starts screaming at a girl sitting in the bleachers who didn't dress out because she was on her period.
Thrilling Conclusion
MacGruder has tenure and is in charge of the department, so he fires Stan for that "balls" comment. Stan looks for another job, but no other school will hire him since he was fired from a teaching position.
Okay, you know how The Devil Wears Prada was a big hit among women 18-35, but totally tanked among men of the same age bracket? Well, we can totally counter that by making The Devil Wears Hanes.
The difference is, instead of being set in the glamorous world of high-end fashion, The Devil Wears Hanes is set in the glamorous world of high school physical education.
This movie has it all. Humor. Action. Drama. And fucking ridiculous product placement potential. The spec script was originally called The Devil Wears Tighty Whities, but a) no product tie-ins, and b) it was actually written for the soft-core gay porn market. Devil Cruz was actually signed up to do the movie, but we went with a rewrite anyway.
Setup
Stan Sizeless, a recent college grad, gets a job teaching PE at the local high school. But when he shows up and meets Levi MacGruder, a take-no-prisoners PE coach wearing ridiculously short shorts and Hanes T-shirts, he realizes that life as a first-year PE teacher is pure hell.
Action
When Stan shows up, Levi immediately assigns him to the worst jobs: Ball cleanup, mat disinfecting and vomit patrol. There's also a hilarious scene where a fat kid manages to climb to the top of a rope but can't get down, and when Stan goes over to help him, the fat kid falls and Stan's head gets wedged up his ass. That sounds unrealistic on paper, but with a little CGI, it'll be awesome.
But Stan wants more. He didn't get into PE to do the grunt work. He got into it to yell at unathletic kids. Stan decides to start doing things his way, and Levi doesn't like it, but tough shit.
"I thought I told you to clean my balls," Levi yells.
"Mr. MacGruder," Stan says. "You can clean your own goddamn balls." Then Stan starts screaming at a girl sitting in the bleachers who didn't dress out because she was on her period.
Thrilling Conclusion
MacGruder has tenure and is in charge of the department, so he fires Stan for that "balls" comment. Stan looks for another job, but no other school will hire him since he was fired from a teaching position.
Monday, January 26, 2009
American Donut
Premise
It's like American Pie, but instead of humping an apple pie, the protagonist humps a donut.
We could even have a tagline: Donuts Have Holes for a Reason.
That's not quite right, but you can get someone from marketing to work on it.
Setup
Young Jake Wilson is an awkward teenager who's shy around girls. He and three friends decide to have a contest: Whoever has sex first gets $5 from the other three.
What's at stake: Bragging rights and $20, which I think is a lot of money to teenagers, right?
Action
Jake wants to alleviate some of the anxiety he feels around girls, so he practices kissing the powdered donuts his Dad had brought home from Publix.
That goes pretty well, so he decides to go all the way. Then his dad walks into the kitchen and sees his son with his pants around his ankles, a donut on his wang, and white powder all over his mouth, hands and crotch.
"Why aren't you doing in this in your bedroom, or the bathroom, for fuck's sake?" the dad screams. "Why would you think it's acceptable to do weird sexual shit in the kitchen?"
And Jake really doesn't have an answer.
Thrilling Conclusion
One of the other kids reveals he has already had sex, several times actually. It's not a huge surprise because he's really popular and athletic and good looking.
All the other kids have to pay him $5, and he uses the money to buy gas for his pickup truck and condoms. He's taking Tiffany Amber, the captain of the cheerleading team, to his dad's cabin in the woods for the weekend.
It's like American Pie, but instead of humping an apple pie, the protagonist humps a donut.
We could even have a tagline: Donuts Have Holes for a Reason.
That's not quite right, but you can get someone from marketing to work on it.
Setup
Young Jake Wilson is an awkward teenager who's shy around girls. He and three friends decide to have a contest: Whoever has sex first gets $5 from the other three.
What's at stake: Bragging rights and $20, which I think is a lot of money to teenagers, right?
Action
Jake wants to alleviate some of the anxiety he feels around girls, so he practices kissing the powdered donuts his Dad had brought home from Publix.
That goes pretty well, so he decides to go all the way. Then his dad walks into the kitchen and sees his son with his pants around his ankles, a donut on his wang, and white powder all over his mouth, hands and crotch.
"Why aren't you doing in this in your bedroom, or the bathroom, for fuck's sake?" the dad screams. "Why would you think it's acceptable to do weird sexual shit in the kitchen?"
And Jake really doesn't have an answer.
Thrilling Conclusion
One of the other kids reveals he has already had sex, several times actually. It's not a huge surprise because he's really popular and athletic and good looking.
All the other kids have to pay him $5, and he uses the money to buy gas for his pickup truck and condoms. He's taking Tiffany Amber, the captain of the cheerleading team, to his dad's cabin in the woods for the weekend.
To the Future
Premise
It's Back to the Future in reverse. Instead of a kid from today getting sent back to the 1950s, a high school basketball coach from the 1950s gets sent to today.
Setup
A high school basketball coach - let's call him Mikey McFlyer - is spying on girls through a hole in the locker room wall. A very butch female PE teacher spots him - I'm thinking John Goodman, in a wig and fat suit. McFlyer runs away and for some reason falls into a portal, or a time machine, or some shit, and ends up in the year 2009.
Action
After some hijinks with iPods and cell phones, McFlyer attends a JV basketball game. He sees a 6-foot-tall black freshman tomahawk jam over a defender, the audacity of which causes him to suffer a massive stroke.
He recovers from the stroke, but has to use a wheelchair. He goes back to the high school. I'm not sure why he does, but we'll figure out a reason. Maybe to save his grandson from bullies, or maybe because he has fallen in love with the quirky art teacher who cares too much.
At the school, he wheels over to the handicapped stall in the men's room. Unfortunately, the stall has been nailed shut because the school wanted to keep kids from skipping class in there.
Thrilling Conclusion
McFlyer gets a bladder infection from holding it all day, so he goes to the urologist. But guess who the urologist is? It's him, 50 years older. He apparently had got his pre-reqs for med school during the off-season.
He kind of sucks as a urologist, so he dies. And when he dies, guess what? The urologist disappears into thin air. Time travel. The nurse comes in and screams, fade to black.
There's also a sex scene that explores issues such as racism and steroid use. This scene will probably run during the credits.
It's Back to the Future in reverse. Instead of a kid from today getting sent back to the 1950s, a high school basketball coach from the 1950s gets sent to today.
Setup
A high school basketball coach - let's call him Mikey McFlyer - is spying on girls through a hole in the locker room wall. A very butch female PE teacher spots him - I'm thinking John Goodman, in a wig and fat suit. McFlyer runs away and for some reason falls into a portal, or a time machine, or some shit, and ends up in the year 2009.
Action
After some hijinks with iPods and cell phones, McFlyer attends a JV basketball game. He sees a 6-foot-tall black freshman tomahawk jam over a defender, the audacity of which causes him to suffer a massive stroke.
He recovers from the stroke, but has to use a wheelchair. He goes back to the high school. I'm not sure why he does, but we'll figure out a reason. Maybe to save his grandson from bullies, or maybe because he has fallen in love with the quirky art teacher who cares too much.
At the school, he wheels over to the handicapped stall in the men's room. Unfortunately, the stall has been nailed shut because the school wanted to keep kids from skipping class in there.
Thrilling Conclusion
McFlyer gets a bladder infection from holding it all day, so he goes to the urologist. But guess who the urologist is? It's him, 50 years older. He apparently had got his pre-reqs for med school during the off-season.
He kind of sucks as a urologist, so he dies. And when he dies, guess what? The urologist disappears into thin air. Time travel. The nurse comes in and screams, fade to black.
There's also a sex scene that explores issues such as racism and steroid use. This scene will probably run during the credits.
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